Why do i still keep doing the things i hate?... Why haven't i giveneverything over to the Lord?... Why is it so hard for me to let go?...
I keep living the life worthy of being called a hypocrite, and i guess that's what i deserve. I keep thinking about breaking the rules that i have promised i would keep. It makes me sick inside. My soul is so thirsty. I'm parched. I'm not filled and it is my desire to have this. I'm hungry and i'm not feeding myself enough. Well, i'm feeding myself, but with junk food. I'm not giving my body protein, or what is necessary for me to live. I'm breathing in the wrong air. I need oxygen from the one who gives it. I'm gasping. I can't keep living like this. I'm stuck on this path. He's holding my hand, waiting for me to take the giant leap, and i know he won't let go. But i have one hand in his palm, and the other is in the pot of things holding me down. Why can't i just give up and give in? Have the faith of a child? I have experienced his grace, but i'm not living like i have. He has forgiven for so much wrongdoing. I don't deserve someone like this. A lover who won't stop loving me. He watches my every move. He's on my side, but why don't i act like it? I don't feel worthy to be called his child, but i most definitely am. We are made perfect in his sight.
I want these eyes.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mary the prostitute
I am mary magdalene, the prostitute whom Jesus has saved... He tells me i am not condemned, but loved and loved and loved some more... He tells me in Him all things are made new... i will follow...
Complete submission... only then can we be guided by him and hear his voice... complete submission
Complete submission... only then can we be guided by him and hear his voice... complete submission
Friday, April 17, 2009
^^Healer^^*
Psalm 56:13 - "For You have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that i may walk before God in the LIGHT of LIFE."
My Faith will heal me.
My Faith in Jesus.
He is my healer...the ONLY healer.
I am coming out of bondage. I have been in a sick, hurtful ( to myself and others alike ) cycle for the past three years, and even further back. Being a slave to the world, and a whore. I have used the name of Jesus only when i want to. The God i must cling to to be healed, i have used, for my glory, not His.
It does take patience, and perseverance, and a lot of waiting, especially when i am the one who has been talking, rather than just listening to HIM. All I can do now is listen. I haven't been faithful. I've been tested enough. I've failed enough. It's a decision. Let go of my past, and look at today, hoping for tomorrow, or cling to what has held me down. I am letting go. No more pleasing people and changing my beliefs from this to that just to make them happy. I must be firm and focused, simply on one thing - The Love and Grace of Jesus, and following Him, and Him only.
One day at a time - Make the next right choice........
My Faith will heal me.
My Faith in Jesus.
He is my healer...the ONLY healer.
I am coming out of bondage. I have been in a sick, hurtful ( to myself and others alike ) cycle for the past three years, and even further back. Being a slave to the world, and a whore. I have used the name of Jesus only when i want to. The God i must cling to to be healed, i have used, for my glory, not His.
It does take patience, and perseverance, and a lot of waiting, especially when i am the one who has been talking, rather than just listening to HIM. All I can do now is listen. I haven't been faithful. I've been tested enough. I've failed enough. It's a decision. Let go of my past, and look at today, hoping for tomorrow, or cling to what has held me down. I am letting go. No more pleasing people and changing my beliefs from this to that just to make them happy. I must be firm and focused, simply on one thing - The Love and Grace of Jesus, and following Him, and Him only.
One day at a time - Make the next right choice........
simplE
We've evolved as Christians, into a people that use methods and steps, rather than just a simple attitude of OBEDIENCE. The basic, simple principles of Jesus. It is important to always be in an attitude of humble repentance when we come to the throne, and all day long for that matter... we are all sinners. Everyday. when one day goes by without remembering what we have done, why do we need to ask Jesus for forgiveness? Our sin is great, which means our savior is also great... always be aware of Him in our lives, constantly in repentance.
...Come...
I want to see Heaven opened...
The Glorious Mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations is no longer a secret to me...
I want to see great things, reveal the glory...
"What do you want?"
"...You."
"Then, come. Follow me."
"I have always been with you. Never left. Never forsaken.
Will you be with me?"
The Glorious Mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations is no longer a secret to me...
I want to see great things, reveal the glory...
"What do you want?"
"...You."
"Then, come. Follow me."
"I have always been with you. Never left. Never forsaken.
Will you be with me?"
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
?!?!@#&**%%?!?
I'm in Tulsa... sitting in shades of brown coffee shop, free wi-fi, amazing coffee... peace... i'm supposed to be looking for a job, which soon, very soon, i have every intention of doing, because i need to pay for rent, and food, and any other expenses that may decide to join the band-wagon... i am on my own now... cut off, financially from my family... cut off relationship-wise to my christian family back in DC... i was treated wrongly... When they taught of loving, no matter what, they kick me out of a house that i was part of for over a year, because they felt the decision i hade made to move to tulsa was wrong... i immediately felt like an outcast... like i had cut all ties, which deep down, i sometimes wanted to do all along... I'm listening to Bob Marley, "Don't Worry"... I feel the past three years, sometimes, to be a failure in almost every way imaginable... i got released from Oral Roberts University, before i could even finish my freshman year... which in some senses was almost a "season of awakening" to me... i was exposed to, probably more than i wanted to be, but it happened... i then left for Washington DC, as suggested by parents and other "older-wisers". the first time there was a failure... i broke one of the "house rules" by getting drunk one night with a few of my "brothers"... i was "bused" back to Oklahoma with 40 dollars and told that they wish me well... i emmediately fell into a different life... i was kicked out of my house and forced to live with friends... this was definitely different... life on the go... late nights... sleeping... spending time together... working occasionally... experimenting... some of it good, some of it bad... i lived with my girlfriend for a short period... it ended bad... i moved back in with my family... yet, once again, couldn't get away from this life i had experimented with... once again, sent to Washington DC, i think, in hopes that i would once again be directed to a differtnt life... it definitely changed my outlook on life... i literally met Jesus... i actually met him, in a way i can't describe, nor do i feel i need to... it was real though... i would now begin to see things in his eyes, through his eyes... treat people differently... i strived, and still do strive to live like this... i moved from DC to colorado last october, to meet back up with my family... they had recently moved from tulsa to Denver... i was there for a short time, once again, exposing myself to a few things i hadn't seen before, but will fail to mention here... i then decided to "walk" with a brother from DC for a while... i however, broke the commitment after less than a month because we simply saw things differently, for a time... i left DC this past monday, and am now here in tulsa...
Monday, January 19, 2009
I am a politician...
It's very interesting... I'm reading The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Fredreich Engels... I am neither a marxist nor a communist. Part of me wants to say i am a socialist, yet i refuse to be titled... Have no affiliation... I do, however, enjoy reading a book like this, being open, and having found some of their points very interesting... The working class, or lower class which is what i'll call it, not poor, but less benefits, will always remain the same. Reguardless, of economic facets or wordly situations... They all share this in common, which i, being a part of, thoroughly enjoy... It is not my desire to become rich, here on earth... I enjoy the idea of this class sharing what we have and i'm not exactly sure what category i have just placed myself into... The rich could be rich @ one moment, and then the next, lose everything. This is why it is crucial to place your heart on things that will outlast that of the world: i.e. Relationships, Love, Joy, Peace, etc. I would like, after i have graduated, to have a job that pays just enough for me to live and be happy... I would like to be around these people also, sharing life together... I don't want to be flashy, but simple - there are less distractions this way... In ten years, i would rather be happy, knowing what true Joy is, living in community with people who share the same quality, than being rich... I want to enjoy the life i've been given... I want to do what i was created to do... The day is a gift and i want to see it as this, rather than worry about paying off loans or bills... Living simply with pure focus will void distractions of the world, and allow one to become spiritually, and mentally free. this is the desire of the heart... Things i love to do, were placed in my heart for a reason... i'd rather take a picture, seeing things differently... i'd rather listen to music, letting my heart and mind be free... i'd rather read a book, entering into other dimensions... i'd rather be writing, talking about what i'm writing about than being trapped inside of an office building because i'd be making more money...
Right now, in this exact moment, i have been given a gift... Hell, i haven't been guarunteed the next 5 minutes... see life like this...
Right now, in this exact moment, i have been given a gift... Hell, i haven't been guarunteed the next 5 minutes... see life like this...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Walking Together...
I'm considering creating another blog for what i am about to talk about, but since i don't have a seperate one right now for this topic, i'll use this one...
Yesterday, i left my family in Colorado to embark upon a journey that will be nothing short of an adventure... I am in Washington DC, a place that for me, has represented hope... when i had nothing else...
I met Jeff Spencer while living at a house located right on the south side of the Potomac River, directly across from "The District"... I lived in this house, along with 11 other guys for about a year... Living in this house, the things we learned, the things we talked about, have literally changed my outlook on life, and the way i behave... we studied the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, while trying to understand how to live in community, and love people, according to the way he lived... Jeff was my roommate for my time there... after a few months of living in the house, He and i started to spend mornings together, over coffee, and talking about what we had learned, were learning, and what we wanted to learn... after praying together, in general, we both felt that we wanted to "walk together"... what this meant, we weren't exactly sure of at the time... Jeff left the house at the beginning of August, and left for Connecticut to finish some of his schooling, and i left at the beginning of October to reunite with my family, who had just recently moved to Colorado... This was hard for both of use, because we knew we wanted to journey together, living in intense community, but the timing was not right... I was working, and spending some time with family, but that was about it... Jeff was studying, but that was about it... we began talking after a little while, about the idea that we had the past summer about walking together... the time by ourselves helped us realize how much relationships mean to both of us, and that following Jesus is the only way to live life... we began talking about a few ideas... i had asked jeff if he would like to come out to Colorado, but that wouldn't be the best... so, he just asked that we would keep talking, consistently, and pray about it... i brought up the idea, after praying and writing, of starting our "walk" in DC, where we had met, in order to be mentored from some older, wiser men, and then venture off somewhere else, where we could learn on our own, while still being in touch with the Family in DC... so, we brought up the idea to a spiritual leader of ours back in DC and he loved it... So, taking a leap of faith, i bought a ticket to DC without knowing where we were to stay and how we would make money... Jeff and i kept talking, thinking the time would never pass... Life, goals, dreams, walking together, becoming more united... we talked about thoughts, feelings, and anything we were going through, which is something we learned about while living together in DC prior to now... In order to know someone better, you must first open yourself to them, being vulnerable, hoping that in return they will do the same... however, if this doesn't happen, you yourself will grow... Jeff and I both showed eachother how to do this, and from doing so, we grew closer to eachother, and saw Jesus from our relationship... Because our faith in Jesus was growing, we began to have less worries, less concerns, and we were growing closer together...
Well, it is now January 11th, and i am sitting directly across from Jeff, and our walk has begun... we are applying for any job we can find, and still trying to find a semi-permanent place to stay for our short time here in DC... The goal is to do the same thing we did while living together at the house, yet outside of it... taking the same ideas, and following Jesus, together... We will be here in DC for around 3 months before moving to Tulsa, which is when the testing starts... we will be walking together from now, until we are both done with university schooling, which could be anywhere from 4 to 5 years... in tulsa, we will rent a house, have jobs, and go to a community college until we are ready to attend a full, four year university... we will have mentors and friends who share the same ideas we have...
I've been told i'm crazy from people i love and don't love... I've been told that if this isn't the right choice, that i could wound four years of my life... It's something that's hard to explain, however, it's hard to explain the steps one takes when following the voice of Jesus...
Our adventure has begun...
Yesterday, i left my family in Colorado to embark upon a journey that will be nothing short of an adventure... I am in Washington DC, a place that for me, has represented hope... when i had nothing else...
I met Jeff Spencer while living at a house located right on the south side of the Potomac River, directly across from "The District"... I lived in this house, along with 11 other guys for about a year... Living in this house, the things we learned, the things we talked about, have literally changed my outlook on life, and the way i behave... we studied the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, while trying to understand how to live in community, and love people, according to the way he lived... Jeff was my roommate for my time there... after a few months of living in the house, He and i started to spend mornings together, over coffee, and talking about what we had learned, were learning, and what we wanted to learn... after praying together, in general, we both felt that we wanted to "walk together"... what this meant, we weren't exactly sure of at the time... Jeff left the house at the beginning of August, and left for Connecticut to finish some of his schooling, and i left at the beginning of October to reunite with my family, who had just recently moved to Colorado... This was hard for both of use, because we knew we wanted to journey together, living in intense community, but the timing was not right... I was working, and spending some time with family, but that was about it... Jeff was studying, but that was about it... we began talking after a little while, about the idea that we had the past summer about walking together... the time by ourselves helped us realize how much relationships mean to both of us, and that following Jesus is the only way to live life... we began talking about a few ideas... i had asked jeff if he would like to come out to Colorado, but that wouldn't be the best... so, he just asked that we would keep talking, consistently, and pray about it... i brought up the idea, after praying and writing, of starting our "walk" in DC, where we had met, in order to be mentored from some older, wiser men, and then venture off somewhere else, where we could learn on our own, while still being in touch with the Family in DC... so, we brought up the idea to a spiritual leader of ours back in DC and he loved it... So, taking a leap of faith, i bought a ticket to DC without knowing where we were to stay and how we would make money... Jeff and i kept talking, thinking the time would never pass... Life, goals, dreams, walking together, becoming more united... we talked about thoughts, feelings, and anything we were going through, which is something we learned about while living together in DC prior to now... In order to know someone better, you must first open yourself to them, being vulnerable, hoping that in return they will do the same... however, if this doesn't happen, you yourself will grow... Jeff and I both showed eachother how to do this, and from doing so, we grew closer to eachother, and saw Jesus from our relationship... Because our faith in Jesus was growing, we began to have less worries, less concerns, and we were growing closer together...
Well, it is now January 11th, and i am sitting directly across from Jeff, and our walk has begun... we are applying for any job we can find, and still trying to find a semi-permanent place to stay for our short time here in DC... The goal is to do the same thing we did while living together at the house, yet outside of it... taking the same ideas, and following Jesus, together... We will be here in DC for around 3 months before moving to Tulsa, which is when the testing starts... we will be walking together from now, until we are both done with university schooling, which could be anywhere from 4 to 5 years... in tulsa, we will rent a house, have jobs, and go to a community college until we are ready to attend a full, four year university... we will have mentors and friends who share the same ideas we have...
I've been told i'm crazy from people i love and don't love... I've been told that if this isn't the right choice, that i could wound four years of my life... It's something that's hard to explain, however, it's hard to explain the steps one takes when following the voice of Jesus...
Our adventure has begun...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Living
I am an extremely non-religious person... i was, however, raised in a christian home, and a christian school... i got both sides of the spectrum... my parents did a very good job, and are doing a good job, at raising four children... They have allowed each of us the freedom to not necessarily explore, but definitely to be open to what we believe in... The school i went to was though pretty legalistic... to some extent, it caused me to turn completely from all that i learned both in home and at school about the Truth... I do believe that each and everyone of us has an innate knowing of what is true and what is not true, since i believe we were all created by the deity known as God... I believe everyone was created, and is created out of his image... Everyone is created through him, by him, and for him... we were created by LOVE for relationship... i did, however, not believe the words i just said until fairly recently... it was only by being lost that i could be found, and only by feeling unloved that i could feel loved... it was by feeling broken that i could be put together...
After graduating from high school, i went on what i will call a search, and to some extent, somewhat of an adventure to say the least... I had a very short stint at Oral Roberts University, and didn't agree with a lot of the things they required of us, mainly because i was immature, but partly because i didn't believe in it... It just wasn't a good place for me... I was drifting away from what i believed in... it wasn't necessarily the things i was doing, but why i was doing them if you catch my drift... I believe that the world is grey... there are few blacks and whites, but ultimately, everyone lives by a different code that is written differently on each person's heart and soul... There are more than not that would disagree with me, but this is just what i believe to be true... After leaving ORU, i had the opportunity to move to DC for a short while, and decided it to be the best decision for the time being... I learned a lot there, but the hardest transition and longest transition is from one's head to one's heart, and i wasn't ready for the transition... So, after 4 very long months, it was decided that i should leave, which was better for everyone...
I then went to Tulsa, Oklahoma where i was raised and decided to be on my own, with a little help from my parents... Again, I did a lot of things that most people would frown upon, but some of them i don't believe were wrong, it was why i was doing them that was wrong, in my opinion... i began to become very careless with the way i was living, only thinking about myself and what i would do to make myself happy that day... it's a sick cycle that will eventually do nothing but kill your soul... I literally got sick of what and who i was becoming which was nothing... i decided to "clean up my act" as older, wiser people would say, but the only thing behavior modification does is change the outside of the body, and not the inside of one's soul, which is what happened to me... there's only so long someone can just be a good person before one sees there is more to life... it took a little while, but i did see it... I really enjoyed what i saw while being in DC and decided i needed to get away from friends, family, and what i was used to, so that i could gain some focus, or atleast simplify my life... Now, i know a lot about Jesus, and have studied his life, but never met him... i had many chances, and i believe he has had his hand on me for a long time, but i never made the decision to follow him... I began to loose focus of myself, and began to focus on him - on what he said, on what he did, basically on how he lived and who he was and decided to follow him... he saw my brokenness, my shame, my guilt, my sin, and how filthy of a person i had become, and he wanted all of it... i had absolutely nothing to offer him, but he still loved me no matter how far i had run from him... So, simply put I follow Jesus... I don't think, well i'm positive in fact that you wouldn't call me an ordinary christian, and in fact, i think i'm far from the status quo... but i'm different... i have a free spirit... i see things in a different light...
I believe everyone was created with different abilities and different loves for different things...
When i listen to music, it takes me to a different place then when, say, i'm at work... I enjoy everynote in every song, and every beat... i love hearing how people put things together - stories, memories, wants, thoughts into music... there's nothing else like it... i love looking through a camera lens and focusing on one object... it's like the world changes everytime i look through a lens... i love writing... i am the same person talking, yet differently when my hands touch a pen... i love being with family, sharing time... i love drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes at the same time... i love laying down in the grass on a 65 degree day, smelling the somewhat pure air...
If there's anything that i'm trying to say, it's this - live life... when you are riding in your car to work, turn the music all the way up and get lost... when you are playing sports, play as hard as you can, not to overpower anyone, but to use the ability you have... if you are a musician, every time you touch a guitar, drums, keyboard, bass etc., play is if you were playing in front of a crowd of a million people... on thanksgiving day, eat so much that the food piles up so high into your throat that if you were to take one more bite, it wouldn't go any farther than your adam's apple... on New Years day, go out with friends, celebrating another year, get a little buzz, and party so hard that you sleep in until 2 pm... Live with focus, but don't take life too seriously, you might not enjoy all of the gifts we've been given... Have character... The only thing we have here on earth that will outlast the earth is relationships... cherish them... life is a gift...
After graduating from high school, i went on what i will call a search, and to some extent, somewhat of an adventure to say the least... I had a very short stint at Oral Roberts University, and didn't agree with a lot of the things they required of us, mainly because i was immature, but partly because i didn't believe in it... It just wasn't a good place for me... I was drifting away from what i believed in... it wasn't necessarily the things i was doing, but why i was doing them if you catch my drift... I believe that the world is grey... there are few blacks and whites, but ultimately, everyone lives by a different code that is written differently on each person's heart and soul... There are more than not that would disagree with me, but this is just what i believe to be true... After leaving ORU, i had the opportunity to move to DC for a short while, and decided it to be the best decision for the time being... I learned a lot there, but the hardest transition and longest transition is from one's head to one's heart, and i wasn't ready for the transition... So, after 4 very long months, it was decided that i should leave, which was better for everyone...
I then went to Tulsa, Oklahoma where i was raised and decided to be on my own, with a little help from my parents... Again, I did a lot of things that most people would frown upon, but some of them i don't believe were wrong, it was why i was doing them that was wrong, in my opinion... i began to become very careless with the way i was living, only thinking about myself and what i would do to make myself happy that day... it's a sick cycle that will eventually do nothing but kill your soul... I literally got sick of what and who i was becoming which was nothing... i decided to "clean up my act" as older, wiser people would say, but the only thing behavior modification does is change the outside of the body, and not the inside of one's soul, which is what happened to me... there's only so long someone can just be a good person before one sees there is more to life... it took a little while, but i did see it... I really enjoyed what i saw while being in DC and decided i needed to get away from friends, family, and what i was used to, so that i could gain some focus, or atleast simplify my life... Now, i know a lot about Jesus, and have studied his life, but never met him... i had many chances, and i believe he has had his hand on me for a long time, but i never made the decision to follow him... I began to loose focus of myself, and began to focus on him - on what he said, on what he did, basically on how he lived and who he was and decided to follow him... he saw my brokenness, my shame, my guilt, my sin, and how filthy of a person i had become, and he wanted all of it... i had absolutely nothing to offer him, but he still loved me no matter how far i had run from him... So, simply put I follow Jesus... I don't think, well i'm positive in fact that you wouldn't call me an ordinary christian, and in fact, i think i'm far from the status quo... but i'm different... i have a free spirit... i see things in a different light...
I believe everyone was created with different abilities and different loves for different things...
When i listen to music, it takes me to a different place then when, say, i'm at work... I enjoy everynote in every song, and every beat... i love hearing how people put things together - stories, memories, wants, thoughts into music... there's nothing else like it... i love looking through a camera lens and focusing on one object... it's like the world changes everytime i look through a lens... i love writing... i am the same person talking, yet differently when my hands touch a pen... i love being with family, sharing time... i love drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes at the same time... i love laying down in the grass on a 65 degree day, smelling the somewhat pure air...
If there's anything that i'm trying to say, it's this - live life... when you are riding in your car to work, turn the music all the way up and get lost... when you are playing sports, play as hard as you can, not to overpower anyone, but to use the ability you have... if you are a musician, every time you touch a guitar, drums, keyboard, bass etc., play is if you were playing in front of a crowd of a million people... on thanksgiving day, eat so much that the food piles up so high into your throat that if you were to take one more bite, it wouldn't go any farther than your adam's apple... on New Years day, go out with friends, celebrating another year, get a little buzz, and party so hard that you sleep in until 2 pm... Live with focus, but don't take life too seriously, you might not enjoy all of the gifts we've been given... Have character... The only thing we have here on earth that will outlast the earth is relationships... cherish them... life is a gift...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
