Living

I am an extremely non-religious person... i was, however, raised in a christian home, and a christian school... i got both sides of the spectrum... my parents did a very good job, and are doing a good job, at raising four children... They have allowed each of us the freedom to not necessarily explore, but definitely to be open to what we believe in... The school i went to was though pretty legalistic... to some extent, it caused me to turn completely from all that i learned both in home and at school about the Truth... I do believe that each and everyone of us has an innate knowing of what is true and what is not true, since i believe we were all created by the deity known as God... I believe everyone was created, and is created out of his image... Everyone is created through him, by him, and for him... we were created by LOVE for relationship... i did, however, not believe the words i just said until fairly recently... it was only by being lost that i could be found, and only by feeling unloved that i could feel loved... it was by feeling broken that i could be put together...
After graduating from high school, i went on what i will call a search, and to some extent, somewhat of an adventure to say the least... I had a very short stint at Oral Roberts University, and didn't agree with a lot of the things they required of us, mainly because i was immature, but partly because i didn't believe in it... It just wasn't a good place for me... I was drifting away from what i believed in... it wasn't necessarily the things i was doing, but why i was doing them if you catch my drift... I believe that the world is grey... there are few blacks and whites, but ultimately, everyone lives by a different code that is written differently on each person's heart and soul... There are more than not that would disagree with me, but this is just what i believe to be true... After leaving ORU, i had the opportunity to move to DC for a short while, and decided it to be the best decision for the time being... I learned a lot there, but the hardest transition and longest transition is from one's head to one's heart, and i wasn't ready for the transition... So, after 4 very long months, it was decided that i should leave, which was better for everyone...
I then went to Tulsa, Oklahoma where i was raised and decided to be on my own, with a little help from my parents... Again, I did a lot of things that most people would frown upon, but some of them i don't believe were wrong, it was why i was doing them that was wrong, in my opinion... i began to become very careless with the way i was living, only thinking about myself and what i would do to make myself happy that day... it's a sick cycle that will eventually do nothing but kill your soul... I literally got sick of what and who i was becoming which was nothing... i decided to "clean up my act" as older, wiser people would say, but the only thing behavior modification does is change the outside of the body, and not the inside of one's soul, which is what happened to me... there's only so long someone can just be a good person before one sees there is more to life... it took a little while, but i did see it... I really enjoyed what i saw while being in DC and decided i needed to get away from friends, family, and what i was used to, so that i could gain some focus, or atleast simplify my life... Now, i know a lot about Jesus, and have studied his life, but never met him... i had many chances, and i believe he has had his hand on me for a long time, but i never made the decision to follow him... I began to loose focus of myself, and began to focus on him - on what he said, on what he did, basically on how he lived and who he was and decided to follow him... he saw my brokenness, my shame, my guilt, my sin, and how filthy of a person i had become, and he wanted all of it... i had absolutely nothing to offer him, but he still loved me no matter how far i had run from him... So, simply put I follow Jesus... I don't think, well i'm positive in fact that you wouldn't call me an ordinary christian, and in fact, i think i'm far from the status quo... but i'm different... i have a free spirit... i see things in a different light...
I believe everyone was created with different abilities and different loves for different things...
When i listen to music, it takes me to a different place then when, say, i'm at work... I enjoy everynote in every song, and every beat... i love hearing how people put things together - stories, memories, wants, thoughts into music... there's nothing else like it... i love looking through a camera lens and focusing on one object... it's like the world changes everytime i look through a lens... i love writing... i am the same person talking, yet differently when my hands touch a pen... i love being with family, sharing time... i love drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes at the same time... i love laying down in the grass on a 65 degree day, smelling the somewhat pure air...
If there's anything that i'm trying to say, it's this - live life... when you are riding in your car to work, turn the music all the way up and get lost... when you are playing sports, play as hard as you can, not to overpower anyone, but to use the ability you have... if you are a musician, every time you touch a guitar, drums, keyboard, bass etc., play is if you were playing in front of a crowd of a million people... on thanksgiving day, eat so much that the food piles up so high into your throat that if you were to take one more bite, it wouldn't go any farther than your adam's apple... on New Years day, go out with friends, celebrating another year, get a little buzz, and party so hard that you sleep in until 2 pm... Live with focus, but don't take life too seriously, you might not enjoy all of the gifts we've been given... Have character... The only thing we have here on earth that will outlast the earth is relationships... cherish them... life is a gift...